This week’s top 5 comes courtesy of Patron James Hart, so thank you!!
Drinking! We love it. We hate it. Some of us don’t do it at all. But if we had the ability to drink with certain characters, that might yield some interesting results. This week the Dames discuss some of their favorite inebriated characters to decide who they’d like to have a drink with….or a couple.
Okay, full disclosure: I weigh less than 100 pounds so getting drunk is an untested entity for me. The closest I’ve come was on my 21st birthday when I drank half a vodka lemonade, started giggling then took a great two-hour nap! So the drinking buddies I’ve included below might very well kill me, but I’d have a damn fine story tell. (Note, considering I know way too much about my boys personal drinking habits I didn’t include them.)
Joan Crawford or just Faye Dunaway AS Joan Crawford
I have a deep and abiding love for Joan Crawford and the 1981 biopic, Mommie Dearest, in which Faye Dunaway played Joan Crawford. Both women could hold their liquor and I’d just love to sit there and watch them be amazing! We could get blitzed and then hang at the legendary nightspot Perinos because, as Faye says in the movie, “Dammit, Perinos is MY place!”
Colin Farrell (circa-2004)
Okay, I didn’t include most of my boys on this list because the combination of them and alcohol isn’t that pretty. And, yes, Colin Farrell has given up all his vices in the last decade, hence we gotta get out the time machine. If you’ll recall, 2004-era Colin Farrell was the year of Britney Spears dating and him being the sexiest drinking man in existence. When I was a kid I had never wanted to drink, but I would have if Colin Farrell asked me to. You’d definitely wake up in Shanghai with a weird tattoo on you but you knew you had A TON of fun!
Kahuna in Gidget (1959)
Speaking of hanging out with dudes who can drink, I had to put my favorite drunken seduction scene on this list. In this case, Cliff Robertson’s Kahuna isn’t ACTUALLY drunk, he’s just pretending to be so he can convince Sandra Dee’s Gidget that she doesn’t want to sleep with him. (He’s a moron as is she for turning him down!) But if that’s his seduction game when he is tipsy….sign me up!
Elsie Marina in The Prince and the Showgirl (1957)
This is one of my favorite Marilyn Monroe movies. One of her more forgotten gems she plays the titled showgirl, Elsie Marina, who goes to visit a local royal (Laurence Olivier) but ends up getting the best of him. She’s invited to his place so he can sleep with her – because he’s a dick – and she ends up getting delightfully soused. Marilyn plays the role so adorably you wish being drunk was that cute. We could have a few drinks, braid our hair, and dance!
Nick and Nora Charles in The Thin Man (1934)
I’m honestly surprised no one other than me thought of the most famous drunk couple in film history. The Charleses are utterly delightful and, most importantly, able to solve crimes while drunk. We could have a few cocktails, go to a party, and then solve a murder!
This is an interesting topic for me because I don’t drink and have never been drunk in my life. So I’m coming at this from the standpoint of wondering who I would trust to not let things get out of hand, or to not take advantage of me if they did. Here’s what I’ve got.
Emily from A Simple Favor (2018)
Sure, she may wind up getting me to confess my deepest, darkest secret, but I hear she makes a killer martini.
Jack Hock from Can You Ever Forgive Me? (2018)
I just imagine a lot of very funny stories and some very silly hijinks.
The Hobbits from The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)
If I’m being more specific, I do mean Merry and Pippin. And particularly in The Fellowship of the Ring. But those hobbits know how to party, and what’s the fun of drinking if someone doesn’t end up dancing on a table?
Lucille Bluth from Arrested Development (2003-)
O the snark! O the gossip! I imagine drinking with Lucille Bluth would be an unending session of glorious griping, bizarre philosophy, and meme-able quotes. Pass the scotch, please!
Maverick from Top Gun (1986)
Maverick can serenade me in a bar anytime.
I have had an, um, interesting drinking life. That’s kind of what happens when you spend five-ish years in Scotland hanging out with Scots and Scandinavians. So I’ve got my share of drunk stories and stories about other drunk people and that one time we got thrown out of a pub on the Royal Mile (not my fault) and the time everyone got sick on absinthe and…yeah. Anyway, I’d like to drink with these folks.
Thor from Thor: Ragnarok (2017)
Yes, Thor would drink me under the table. But he also seems to be one of those dudes who remains friendly and happy when he drinks. He’d take over the bar, arm wrestle some guys, smash a few glasses, and then perhaps he could be persuaded to carry me out when I’ve had too much, gentleman that he is. Ahem.
Emma Peel from The Avengers (1961-1969)
Anyone who has watched The Avengers knows that the main characters drink all the time and very seldom eat. But they also do it quite elegantly, and everything they consume is fantastically expensive. But Emma Peel is not just a drinker of fine champagne; she also consumes massive pints of beer. That being said, the few times we actually see Emma Peel well and truly intoxicated, she starts dancing around and making crude jokes. She’d be loads of fun to get drunk with.
OK, fine, I know that Emma Thompson is not a character, but I still want to get absolutely blasted with her, and this is my list and I do what I want.
Withnail & I from Withnail & I (1987)
This is mostly because I want to see what happens.
Linda Belcher from Bob’s Burgers (2011-Present)
“I was gonna punch you, but I’m holding wine” is pretty much my life motto, so…
I found this a fascinating and brilliant idea for a Citizen Dame 5, and actually quite a fun one to boot. I tend to shy away from drinking, especially because I’ve found I have the liquor taste of a 1940s noir hero. Yeah… it’s just better that way. But, as I sat down to think about this, my choices stemmed from variety of factors, so without further ado, here we go!
Cosmo Brown from Singin’ in the Rain (1952)
I think I waxed nostalgic about Singin’ in the Rain last week as well, if I remember correctly. How I love it so! From the first time I watched it, Cosmo Brown (Don Lockwood’s plucky best friend) was my favorite character. Gene Kelly was Gene Kelly, but Donald O’Connor is amazing. Not only could the colorful Cosmo probably tell some delightful stories, he could be his adorable, sympathetic self if you’re a sad drunk, and just look at “Make ‘um Laugh”, tell me he wouldn’t be a hoot.
Captain Renault from Casablanca (1942)
This option just felt right. Captain Renault is an absolute delight and he’s always been one of my favorite characters in the classic film. Plus, think of all the secret government secrets you’d collect if you get him drunk enough! Plus, think about those letters of transit.
Trixie Lorraine from Gold Diggers of 1933 (1933)
I think each of these ladies would be amazing drinking buddies, but Aline MacMahon’s Trixie leapt out as probably the most fun. She’s sarcastic, mouthy, speaks her mind and sticks by her friends. It is the trifecta! She’s a great one to have around, and I absolutely love her. She’s a delight.
Peggy Carter from Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
My Queen. Enough said.
Ensign Pulver from Mister Roberts (1955)
While I’ve been watching Jack Lemmon movies since I was small, this is probably my favorite of his characters. Pulver is an absolute hoot in the rather heavy war drama. Pulver would not only listen with a sympathetic ear, but would also probably need a bit of drunk therapy himself as he came up with cooky ideas. I would love to hear those stories.